I read a blog today (http://blitheblog.com/i-could-have-a-baby-but-she-could-not/) and had my own comments about it. Now, please readers, try and not take my words as harsh, and I try to do the same with yours. I did feel it painted many women who have lost babies or have had infertility issues as being cold-hearted and lugubrious towards those who have full wombs, and arms of beautiful cooing babies that look at their mama and papas with endearment that cannot be faked or made. I love the seeing pregnant women, women and families with lots of children, hearing children laughing and yes even crying. My heart wants to join in with the laughs, smiles and comfort the crying wee ones. I am excited when more babies are joining our world; I just wish I was apart of that group of joining too. I want to celebrate with you but please be sensitive.
Though, yes, there are times where it is hard for me. It is mostly hard for me to see mother's who say they don't want to be pregnant with the morning sickness, that they hate getting fat with all the baby fat during pregnancy, complain about being up all night with a baby/children, or how oh you don't want one of these whiny crying things... Yes, I would take your morning sickness any day, the medication the doctor's prescribe make me nauseated any way. Oh yes, I will take that baby fat any day, the medication makes me gain weight anyway. So please be sensitive to me when you say such things, because I have to deal with many of those things and yet you have your tummy full of a growing baby or your arms are full of a baby to hold. When mine have never made it pass 3 months along. So yes I am excited for you though please think of me and my journey and be sensitive with the words you use. I would love to be up all night with babies, having a messy house cause children mess it up as soon as you clean it, I would take it ALL, my friend.
It hurts most when people say things and ask things without thinking. I probably have heard them all! Trust me it's been 15 years... Most of the time I refrain myself but, please forgive if you are appalled at my replies which many times I do not say.
- So when y'all gonna get busy and have some babies?! *Trust me, we are busy! Would you like to see our calendar? We chart, you know. :)
- So do you know what causes those baby bumps? *Yep, we have lost 7 my dear.
- Do you not like sex? *Seriously, lack of baby doesn't mean lack of lovin', honey.
- I want a grandbaby/nephew/niece...? *I want to give you one. I wish it was as easy as saying I want one then we would already have one. Did you think of that?
- You're getting older honey? Time clock is tickin'. *(my most shock face I can put on) Really?!! O MyGosh!!! What Happened?!!! I never even though of that!!!
- Did you try this position? Did you try that? *Seriously?!! (I even get this from men, yeah, can you say AWKWARD!! My husband almost decked a guy because of this one).
- Have you seen a specialist? What did they say was wrong with you? or What's wrong with you? *I understand that people are curious, though if it was something I was doing wrong trust me I would of fixed it long ago. Most of the time it's no one's fault that they cannot have a baby.
- Oh you can just adopt. *Seriously, oh if it was as easy as going down to the store and buying a gallon of milk.
- Oh how many children do you have? *This one is difficult for me. I understand that in our society that this is a common question to get to know people and find common ground. Though, it's hard for someone who has lost a baby(s) or suffers from infertility. How do you answer? If I answer No, I usually get one or two answers.
- Why not? *Would you like all my medical records so you can read them for yourself?
- Don't you like children? *Oh, yes, I do. Just because you don't have any doesn't mean you don't want any.
If I say I do, we have had multiple losses.
-Oh, how many? What happened? How far along were you each time? *I don't know. Would you like to see my medical records and see where the doctor says no reason for miscarriage.
- You must of sinned to cause God to take your children/or not give you any? *Really? I never seen that in scripture. He felt differently than that with Sarah, Hannah, Rebekah, Elizabeth, Job...
- You need to not sweep under your bed, then you'll get pregnant. *seriously?!
- You need to just forget about it and then you'll get pregnant. *ummm, why don't you try that.
- Gain weight and then you'll get pregnant. *It's not always about weight, honey.
- Don't eat after 4 pm.
- Are you pregnant yet? *You would know if I was.
- Are you fat yet? *No, this isn't a nice way of asking if someone is pregnant.
- Light a candle every night.
- Lose weight and then you'll get pregnant. *Medication can make you gain. So it isn't always losing weight.
- Aren't you over that yet? It's been six months, year... *Like the ache of a lost baby goes away.
- Oh you don't want any of those brats anyways. They cost too much. *mmmm, yeah I do. Mine won't be brats. ;)
I could go on all night, but I won't so I will stop there.
I do not blame all these stupid things people say on them. Many people are not taught how to deal with death, death of a baby by miscarriage/still birth/early infant death or infertility. Just as we are not taught how to grieve or deal with the loss of a baby or face of infertility. Our society is a quiet society, I was not taught how to act or react to these situations. I want to know what to say and do when the questions come up, some of them are just innocent questions and curious people. I am still learning how to deal with people and the things they say and do; hopefully becoming more capable of how to deal with them with love, mercy and grace. So when you ask someone a question, they hesitate, seem uncomfortable, it may not be that we don't want to talk about it. It may be that we don't know what to say.
I want to be seen as a mother; I have lost 7 babies that I love dearly. I just don't want the third degree. Some days I want to talk about it other days I don't. Please don't think I am awkward if I do, or I'm being rude if I don't. Some days are just harder than others, please remember that.
Here are some helpful things to say or do if your loved ones have lost a baby or are facing infertility..
- send cards sympathy - thinking of you cards. We hate it when they stop. You don't have to go into detail why you are sending it. Just to say love you, thinking of you... I love it when people mention my little ones because they recognize that their mine too. It doesn't matter if it's been six months, years...
- on Mother's Day or baby's birthday sending card, giving hugs or even donating in the name of their little one(s).
*I have kept every card, gift, and sweet reminder that people have given us for our sweet babes. I pull them out periodically and reminisce over my sweet babes and our loving family and loved ones.
*When church congregation asks mothers to stand in honor, I loved it when friends would come stand with me.
- When there is a loss, the only thing that you can say is I am sorry. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Please don't say I know how you feel unless you do. It's hollow if you haven't.
- When you find you're pregnant please tell us. I rather you tell me than I find out from someone else or realize that you have been avoiding me out of fear of telling me and you are 7 months pregnant. If we are the last ones to know it makes us feel that we are not friends.
- Let them know it's okay for them to be upset or cry. Many times we don't want to upset others so we keep it inside.
- When there is a loss, offer help, make suggestions, or just surprise with little things.
*One of the sweetest things my friend did after a loss of one of our babies, she just came over, didn't expect me to get out of my pjs, or for my house to be clean, made the tea, and we just sat in silence and drank tea. She didn't expect me to say anything, it was nice that I just had someone there.
- Fix meals, frozen, homemade, pre-made, take out, anything... Anything is appreciated. It's nice to just be able to pull something out and not have to think about what you are going to do for dinner.
- When someone says something insensitive, speak up for them. No one has to act ugly. Sometimes people don't realize what they said or are saying. It's nice to not feel you have to defend yourself, your baby, your husband or your marriage.
- Ask her out for lunch or coffee/tea or ask to bring lunch over.
- Ask how things are going... if she isn't interested in talking about it don't be offended.
- Ask if she wants someone to go to doctor visits with her. Many times there are so many appointment for loss or infertility that spouse cannot go with them to everyone. It's a hard thing to do alone.
- still invite them to showers, birthday parties, kids activities, holidays...
*Please don't be offended if they decline or leave early.
- Be open to dialog about things beliefs and issues.
*I remember when my nephew Chase said so sweetly, "Aunt Kymmy, at least you didn't have to hold the baby and then lose it". I was so touched that he thought of my heart, so I replied, "Oh buddy, thank you for thinking of my heart, though I would of loved to hold my babies. It would be nice to say hello before having to say goodbye". He replied, "Oh, I get it. I never thought of it like that" as he gave me big hugs.
- Let them know that you love them. That they are a complete and awesome person whether they have a baby or not. Many times we feel incomplete, lost, deficient, insufficient, forgotten...
- The best thing I feel that is helpful is to say you will pray for us, but don't say it unless you are. I loved it when they would ask to pray for me on the spot whether it be at church or at Walmart parking lot. Ask if they decline, don't be offended.
If they decline ask when you ask them if you could help in a certain way, ask when would a good time be (some times it is just a difficult time) or ask what else can you could do to be helpful. Make suggestions, don't ever be offended. It was very sweet of you to ask. Sometimes in loss and grief over a loss of a baby or a failure of a infertility treatment we don't know what to say or do. It is a grief process and not always easy to know what to talk about or how to say it or say it with out tears.
I did love how the blogger reached out to people who face infertility, how she encouraged encouragement of couples who face the loss of fertility and wants to show them love and compassion. I thank the blogger for posting on this sensitive issue and glad she showed love and compassion.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn."
- Romans 12:15
