I want to celebrate with you but please be sensitive.

                         I read a blog today (http://blitheblog.com/i-could-have-a-baby-but-she-could-not/) and had my own comments about it.  Now, please readers, try and not take my words as harsh, and I try to do the same with yours. I did feel it painted many women who have lost babies or have had infertility issues as being cold-hearted and lugubrious towards those who have full wombs, and arms of beautiful cooing babies that look at their mama and papas with endearment that cannot be faked or made. I love the seeing pregnant women, women and families with lots of children, hearing children laughing and yes even crying. My heart wants to join in with the laughs, smiles and comfort the crying wee ones. I am excited when more babies are joining our world; I just wish I was apart of that group of joining too. I want to celebrate with you but please be sensitive.

                         Though, yes, there are times where it is hard for me. It is mostly hard for me to see mother's who say they don't want to be pregnant with the morning sickness, that they hate getting fat with all the baby fat during pregnancy, complain about being up all night with a baby/children, or how oh you don't want one of these whiny crying things... Yes, I would take your morning sickness any day, the medication the doctor's prescribe make me nauseated any way. Oh yes, I will take that baby fat any day, the medication makes me gain weight anyway. So please be sensitive to me when you say such things, because I have to deal with many of those things and yet you have your tummy full of a growing baby or your arms are full of a baby to hold. When mine have never made it pass 3 months along. So yes I am excited for you though please think of me and my journey and be sensitive with the words you use. I would love to be up all night with babies, having a messy house cause children mess it up as soon as you clean it, I would take it ALL, my friend.

                        It hurts most when people say things and ask things without thinking. I probably have heard them all! Trust me it's been 15 years... Most of the time I refrain myself but, please forgive if you are appalled at my replies which many times I do not say.

- So when y'all gonna get busy and have some babies?! *Trust me, we are busy! Would you like to see our calendar? We chart, you know. :)

- So do you know what causes those baby bumps? *Yep, we have lost 7 my dear.

- Do you not like sex? *Seriously, lack of baby doesn't mean lack of lovin', honey.

- I want a grandbaby/nephew/niece...? *I want to give you one. I wish it was as easy as saying I want one then we would already have one. Did you think of that?

- You're getting older honey? Time clock is tickin'. *(my most shock face I can put on) Really?!! O MyGosh!!! What Happened?!!! I never even though of that!!!

- Did you try this position? Did you try that? *Seriously?!! (I even get this from men, yeah, can you say AWKWARD!! My husband almost decked a guy because of this one).

- Have you seen a specialist? What did they say was wrong with you? or What's wrong with you? *I understand that people are curious, though if it was something I was doing wrong trust me I would of fixed it long ago. Most of the time it's no one's fault that they cannot have a baby.

- Oh you can just adopt. *Seriously, oh if it was as easy as going down to the store and buying a gallon of milk.

- Oh how many children do you have? *This one is difficult for me. I understand that in our society that this is a common question to get to know people and find common ground. Though, it's hard for someone who has lost a baby(s) or suffers from infertility. How do you answer? If I answer No, I usually get one or two answers.
            - Why not? *Would you like all my medical records so you can read them for yourself?
            - Don't you like children? *Oh, yes, I do. Just because you don't have any doesn't mean you                    don't want any.
      If I say I do, we have had multiple losses.
            -Oh, how many? What happened? How far along were you each time? *I don't know. Would                 you like to see my medical records and see where the doctor says no reason for miscarriage.

- You must of sinned to cause God to take your children/or not give you any? *Really? I never seen that in scripture. He felt differently than that with Sarah, Hannah, Rebekah, Elizabeth, Job...

- You need to not sweep under your bed, then you'll get pregnant. *seriously?!

- You need to just forget about it and then you'll get pregnant. *ummm, why don't you try that.

- Gain weight and then you'll get pregnant. *It's not always about weight, honey.

- Don't eat after 4 pm.

- Are you pregnant yet? *You would know if I was.

-  Are you fat yet? *No, this isn't a nice way of asking if someone is pregnant.

- Light a candle every night.

- Lose weight and then you'll get pregnant. *Medication can make you gain. So it isn't always losing weight.

- Aren't you over that yet? It's been six months, year... *Like the ache of a lost baby goes away.

- Oh you don't want any of those brats anyways. They cost too much. *mmmm, yeah I do. Mine won't be brats. ;)

I could go on all night, but I won't so I will stop there.

             I do not blame all these stupid things people say on them. Many people are not taught how to deal with death, death of a baby by miscarriage/still birth/early infant death or infertility. Just as we are not taught how to grieve or deal with the loss of a baby or face of infertility. Our society is a quiet society, I was not taught how to act or react to these situations. I want to know what to say and do when the questions come up, some of them are just innocent questions and curious people. I am still learning how to deal with people and the things they say and do; hopefully becoming more capable of how to deal with them with love, mercy and grace. So when you ask someone a question, they hesitate, seem uncomfortable, it may not be that we don't want to talk about it. It may be that we don't know what to say.

              I want to be seen as a mother; I have lost 7 babies that I love dearly. I just don't want the third degree. Some days I want to talk about it other days I don't. Please don't think I am awkward if I do, or I'm being rude if I don't. Some days are just harder than others, please remember that.

             Here are some helpful things to say or do if your loved ones have lost a baby or are facing infertility..

•  send cards sympathy - thinking of you cards. We hate it when they stop. You don't have to go into detail why you are sending it. Just to say love you, thinking of you... I love it when people mention my little ones because they recognize that their mine too. It doesn't matter if it's been six months, years...
• on Mother's Day or baby's birthday sending card, giving hugs or even donating in the name of their little one(s).
  *I have kept every card, gift, and sweet reminder that people have given us for our sweet babes. I pull them out periodically and reminisce over my sweet babes and our loving family and loved ones.
  *When church congregation asks mothers to stand in honor, I loved it when friends would come stand with me.
•  When there is a loss, the only thing that you can say is I am sorry. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Please don't say I know how you feel unless you do. It's hollow if you haven't. 

• When you find you're pregnant please tell us. I rather you tell me than I find out from someone else or realize that you have been avoiding me out of fear of telling me and you are 7 months pregnant. If we are the last ones to know it makes us feel that we are not friends.

• Let them know it's okay for them to be upset or cry. Many times we don't want to upset others so we keep it inside.
• When there is a loss, offer help, make suggestions, or just surprise with little things.
   *One of the sweetest things my friend did after a loss of one of our babies, she just came over, didn't expect me to get out of my pjs, or for my house to be clean, made the tea, and we just sat in silence and drank tea. She didn't expect me to say anything, it was nice that I just had someone there.
• Fix meals, frozen, homemade, pre-made, take out, anything... Anything is appreciated. It's nice to just be able to pull something out and not have to think about what you are going to do for dinner.
• When someone says something insensitive, speak up for them. No one has to act ugly. Sometimes people don't realize what they said or are saying. It's nice to not feel you have to defend yourself, your baby, your husband or your marriage.
• Ask her out for lunch or coffee/tea or ask to bring lunch over.
• Ask how things are going... if she isn't interested in talking about it don't be offended.
• Ask if she wants someone to go to doctor visits with her. Many times there are so many appointment for loss or infertility that spouse cannot go with them to everyone. It's a hard thing to do alone.
• still invite them to showers, birthday parties, kids activities, holidays...
   *Please don't be offended if they decline or leave early.
• Be open to dialog about things beliefs and issues.
    *I remember when my nephew Chase said so sweetly, "Aunt Kymmy, at least you didn't have to hold the baby and then lose it". I was so touched that he thought of my heart, so I replied, "Oh buddy, thank you for thinking of my heart, though I would of loved to hold my babies. It would be nice to say hello before having to say goodbye". He replied, "Oh, I get it. I never thought of it like that" as he gave me big hugs.
• Let them know that you love them. That they are a complete and awesome person whether they have a baby or not. Many times we feel incomplete, lost, deficient, insufficient, forgotten...
• The best thing I feel that is helpful is to say you will pray for us, but don't say it unless you are. I loved it when they would ask to pray for me on the spot whether it be at church or at Walmart parking lot. Ask if they decline, don't be offended. 

If they decline ask when you ask them if you could help in a certain way, ask when would a good time be (some times it is just a difficult time) or ask what else can you could do to be helpful. Make suggestions, don't ever be offended. It was very sweet of you to ask. Sometimes in loss and grief over a loss of a baby or a failure of a infertility treatment we don't know what to say or do. It is a grief process and not always easy to know what to talk about or how to say it or say it with out tears.

I did love how the blogger reached out to people who face infertility, how she encouraged encouragement of couples who face the loss of fertility and wants to show them love and compassion. I thank the blogger for posting on this sensitive issue and glad she showed love and compassion.

 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; 

mourn with those who mourn." 

- Romans 12:15

People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One.

I need to vent, so please bear with me yet I guess at the same time if I offend you, you can just delete me, I'll be okay with it. We've have being dealing with this for YEARS and sometimes it doesn't get any easier and sometimes it seems to get harder!

I understand people ask questions curiously on if you have children or not. I don't mind curious questions, it is part of our culture and really it has innocent intentions most of the time. But if they say no, don't give them 20 questions especially on this week of Mother's Day it is probably hard enough for them. Things I have heard this week, most I have heard all before.

People make statements and ask questions without thinking ahead.
How long have y'all been married?!! 13 years and no kids! *Gasp* say Why  not?!! Don't you know what causes kids?!! Don't y'all like sex?!!  What's wrong with you... your husband?!!! What did you do wrong?!! Don't you want children?!! Be careful about adoption, many kids turn out to be bad seeds and turn on you and cost you a fortune! If I couldn't have kids I would never adopt. I hope you really think about all this before you do this. Oh you don't want kids anyways, their whiny, mess a lot, eat a lot and are very expensive!

It is difficult for a woman who has lost children to know what to say when someone asks her, "oh do you have children?" When you say no, or in heaven, they replied, "oh I WAS going to tell you Happy Mother's Day" then walk off. Just say Happy Mother's Day and smile! :) Someone told me I am not a mom because I miscarried and didn't carry to term. Don't you dare say I am not a mom because I have not held them! Don't tell me at least you didn't carry to full term... at least you did not have a still birth. You know what I would give to hold my babies?!! You know what I would have given to hold them, to say hello before you have to say goodbye?!! You know what I would give to have a child, biological or adoptive?!!! Every dollar!! Every sleepless night! (I have those already.) Those children would be OURS no matter what! So, when you tell me that you wouldn't accept my child if we adopt well you can just disown me and De-friend me now! I am so sick of the non-compassionate, hurtful and totally uncalled for advice that people give without even thinking of me, my husband and our future kids. I should of done this a long time ago. If you don't like it, well you don't have to, but doesn't mean I will be stick around to listen to it.

Mother's Day is always hard for me; I miss our little ones! Why is it that when it's the hardest week of the year is here that I feel I the need to not come out of my house in fear of the heartless things people will say. Please remember the words you say have impact on others even if you have good intentions. It may not be a sensitive subject to you but it might be to them especially on Mother's Day.

Lord, help me know how to react to those who say such hurtful things. Help me to forgive people when I get offended. Help those who don't know what to say or how to say it. Help me to take a stand for what is right and react in kindness and love. Bless those who don't know better, help them to get a clue.

I don't know if I can say that God will give me a baby though I am studying on infertility in the Bible and each woman that I have found in the Bible that was barren - God closed her womb, He reopened to have her carry a special child. Sarah - Isaac, Hannah - Samuel, Rachel - Joseph, Elizabeth - John... I do believe that God does give us the desires of our heart, though a lot of the time He changes our heart to His desires. I am trusting His character because I can trust His word, I can trust His word because I can trust His character. My worship of Him is in not in what He can do for me but in who He is. He does not need to give me anything and He is still worthy of my worship. I am so grateful that when people say and do hurtful things I have someone to turn to. People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One. Thank you LORD!

God's Peace...

The other night we went to a family bar-b-que and my little four year old nephew asked Aaron and I if we were having a baby. I said, "No buddy we aren't". He replied, "I know where you can get one." I commented back where would a four year old know where a baby comes from; "Oh yeah, where?" "From Jesus. Pray to Jesus for a baby. He's in heaven you know?" My heart so touched by this little one, "Yes, I know buddy." "Well, now that you know..." as he jumped into the van to get buckled in.

So sweet. Oh how this child touched my heart. This reminded me and I asked myself: did I pray to Jesus today for a child or was I just wishful thinking to myself? Afterwards the drive home I prayed and asked for God's will for us to have a child or not. Reminded me that my LORD Jesus is all sufficent. Sometimes I think we begin to second guess God's plan for us. But, also we forget that God is The Almighty and can do anything. Yes, we've lost 5 children in the womb, I haven't be pregnant in over seven years... Is that to big for God? No, My God is so much bigger, greater, and stronger than any problem I have. Thank you for always being sufficent. You are more than enough. Thank you LORD.

When everything seems like it is falling apart...

I don't know about you and your struggles but, I know that there are times when I question God's timing and plan. Have you ever wondered, what God is doing? Nothing seems to be going right? Nothing is going as planned? I just had my 30th birthday and I was pretty depressed about it. I know it may sound silly to some but, I feel old. Not that 30 is old. But, my plan was for us to have a house full of kids, teaching them to read, tie their shoes, how to ride a bike, drive a car... Our oldest would be 13 next year. My sister has 5 kids and my little brother has 1 and 1 on the way. Of course my plan isn't going as planned. It's so easy to feel frustrated, throw your hands up in the air and question God's motive, timing, plan... Nothing seems to be working, going your way, or even making sense... I know those feelings. I was talking to a close friend of mine and she told me; "When everything seems like it is falling apart, nothing happening, not making sense... That is when God is doing His biggest work. His ways are not our ways".

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Now when I get frustrated I tell myself this scripture and remind my self I am not on my time- I'm on God's. This isn't my life, It's HIS. Because I gave my life to Him 6 years ago when I accepted Him as my LORD and Savior. I still want children, I still pray for children. But more than that I want God's will, plan for my life not mine. He knows best. I need to trust Him with my life and His plan. So when nothing is going right, making sense, falling apart... Know GOD is WORKING out His BIGGEST and BEST plan for you. Just as He did for Joseph in the Bible. He's brothers wanted to kill him, instead they sold him as a slave, he was imprisoned for something he didn't do, to put Him at the top of Egypt right under the Pharoah planning to save his family and country from straving. (Gen. CH.37-50) All of this was in God's plan for Joseph and HE used it for Joseph's good and HIS glory. He will do the same for you if you love Him. Romans 10:10-12

God is the supplier even if we don't know what's going on.

I have to back up all the way to last January...
Last January I got a women's magazine called Keepers at Home; which is a Amish magazine. I don't remember signing up for it and I did not know anyone Amish. I always thought that the Amish were interesting and I have read a couple of books about them so I was interested in what they had to say. Inside was an article on miscarriage and infertility. It was a very good article and I decided to write in to see if anyone had any advice or help on loss or infertility issues. Well time went by and I forgot all about it. By August we have had seen two different doctors, had many tests done, and everything came back fine and normal. After the HSG test results came back we were shrugging our shoulders and throwing our arms up in the air with frustation. That same week only a few days after did I start recieving mail, phone calls, cards from ladies from all over the nation. Some weren't even Amish. God knew when I needed encouragement just at that time. I have become pen-pals with some of these ladies. I have made great friends. A lot of the Ladies who are writing me having a hard time with their loss and/or infertility. I now know that God hasn't just called me to minister and encourage the ladies at HOPE and my community but; He is already sending me ladies that need my help and I theirs. A lot has happened since January and even August. I am so excited with what God is doing.


One thing that an midwife suggested to me was a natural progrestrone cream. I've been on it a month and my cycle came right on time without any other herbs or prescribitions. If any thing else, at least I'll have a normal cycle and not be so emotional.