Thankful Month Day #6

Day #6 I am grateful for my babies. 

                       I am grateful for my babies even though they are not here with me and they are with God, they have taught me so much. I have learned that you can love someone that you have never met. That it would be wonderful to say hello before you had to say goodbye. If I can survive loosing you, I can survive anything. That life is all about trusting God and not your circumstances. I learned that I needed to have Mercy before I could have Grace. Though the pain still hurts from my empty arms, I wouldn’t trade you for anything for you. I love you and cannot wait to see you and hold you in my arms. I have learned that I can trust in God with anything because I can trust Him with everyone of you and that y’all are happy and content while waiting for me to come home.

I love each one of you, Love Mama.

 (Psalm 139:13-18)

People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One.

I need to vent, so please bear with me yet I guess at the same time if I offend you, you can just delete me, I'll be okay with it. We've have being dealing with this for YEARS and sometimes it doesn't get any easier and sometimes it seems to get harder!

I understand people ask questions curiously on if you have children or not. I don't mind curious questions, it is part of our culture and really it has innocent intentions most of the time. But if they say no, don't give them 20 questions especially on this week of Mother's Day it is probably hard enough for them. Things I have heard this week, most I have heard all before.

People make statements and ask questions without thinking ahead.
How long have y'all been married?!! 13 years and no kids! *Gasp* say Why  not?!! Don't you know what causes kids?!! Don't y'all like sex?!!  What's wrong with you... your husband?!!! What did you do wrong?!! Don't you want children?!! Be careful about adoption, many kids turn out to be bad seeds and turn on you and cost you a fortune! If I couldn't have kids I would never adopt. I hope you really think about all this before you do this. Oh you don't want kids anyways, their whiny, mess a lot, eat a lot and are very expensive!

It is difficult for a woman who has lost children to know what to say when someone asks her, "oh do you have children?" When you say no, or in heaven, they replied, "oh I WAS going to tell you Happy Mother's Day" then walk off. Just say Happy Mother's Day and smile! :) Someone told me I am not a mom because I miscarried and didn't carry to term. Don't you dare say I am not a mom because I have not held them! Don't tell me at least you didn't carry to full term... at least you did not have a still birth. You know what I would give to hold my babies?!! You know what I would have given to hold them, to say hello before you have to say goodbye?!! You know what I would give to have a child, biological or adoptive?!!! Every dollar!! Every sleepless night! (I have those already.) Those children would be OURS no matter what! So, when you tell me that you wouldn't accept my child if we adopt well you can just disown me and De-friend me now! I am so sick of the non-compassionate, hurtful and totally uncalled for advice that people give without even thinking of me, my husband and our future kids. I should of done this a long time ago. If you don't like it, well you don't have to, but doesn't mean I will be stick around to listen to it.

Mother's Day is always hard for me; I miss our little ones! Why is it that when it's the hardest week of the year is here that I feel I the need to not come out of my house in fear of the heartless things people will say. Please remember the words you say have impact on others even if you have good intentions. It may not be a sensitive subject to you but it might be to them especially on Mother's Day.

Lord, help me know how to react to those who say such hurtful things. Help me to forgive people when I get offended. Help those who don't know what to say or how to say it. Help me to take a stand for what is right and react in kindness and love. Bless those who don't know better, help them to get a clue.

I don't know if I can say that God will give me a baby though I am studying on infertility in the Bible and each woman that I have found in the Bible that was barren - God closed her womb, He reopened to have her carry a special child. Sarah - Isaac, Hannah - Samuel, Rachel - Joseph, Elizabeth - John... I do believe that God does give us the desires of our heart, though a lot of the time He changes our heart to His desires. I am trusting His character because I can trust His word, I can trust His word because I can trust His character. My worship of Him is in not in what He can do for me but in who He is. He does not need to give me anything and He is still worthy of my worship. I am so grateful that when people say and do hurtful things I have someone to turn to. People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One. Thank you LORD!

Last night I lost another baby...

For the last week I've been spotting, having a little cramping but not much that I've been too alarmed and out of the norm. I went a little over two months without a period but that's more than normal. This past week I thought was just an over due of a period and so it has been heavy. Last night I went to the rest room and their it was a bloody sack. I even examined it to make sure. I could even see the umblical cord. My heartaches yet again. Number 6 now. I feel useless as a wife that I can't even get passed the third month of pregnancy. At the same time I feel hope because I haven't been pregnant in over 7 years.

Lord, I don't know what you are doing here but, please help me. Help me trust in you. I couldn't stop crying. I cleaned the bathroom and my clothes like mad. Blood was every where. Aaron came home and I just fell into his arms and cried. He kept asking me what's wrong but I was crying so hard I couldn't answer. I finally told him I haven't been on my period I was having a miscarriage. With that I felt so weak he put me to bed and held me as I cried myself to sleep. I as I prayed and felt I could pray no longer I asked him to pray. He prayed the most beautiful prayer for peace for us, for us to trust in God's plan and for our baby. With ending I felt so overwhelming peace that I finally was able to sleep.

This morning I don't want to move. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep it all away. But I decided that I need to write this all down and lay it at the feet of Jesus.

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful husband help him know what to say and do at this difficult time. I know that it is difficult for a man to know what it is like to go through this. Please help me be patient and trust in your plan.

God's Peace...

The other night we went to a family bar-b-que and my little four year old nephew asked Aaron and I if we were having a baby. I said, "No buddy we aren't". He replied, "I know where you can get one." I commented back where would a four year old know where a baby comes from; "Oh yeah, where?" "From Jesus. Pray to Jesus for a baby. He's in heaven you know?" My heart so touched by this little one, "Yes, I know buddy." "Well, now that you know..." as he jumped into the van to get buckled in.

So sweet. Oh how this child touched my heart. This reminded me and I asked myself: did I pray to Jesus today for a child or was I just wishful thinking to myself? Afterwards the drive home I prayed and asked for God's will for us to have a child or not. Reminded me that my LORD Jesus is all sufficent. Sometimes I think we begin to second guess God's plan for us. But, also we forget that God is The Almighty and can do anything. Yes, we've lost 5 children in the womb, I haven't be pregnant in over seven years... Is that to big for God? No, My God is so much bigger, greater, and stronger than any problem I have. Thank you for always being sufficent. You are more than enough. Thank you LORD.

God is the supplier even if we don't know what's going on.

I have to back up all the way to last January...
Last January I got a women's magazine called Keepers at Home; which is a Amish magazine. I don't remember signing up for it and I did not know anyone Amish. I always thought that the Amish were interesting and I have read a couple of books about them so I was interested in what they had to say. Inside was an article on miscarriage and infertility. It was a very good article and I decided to write in to see if anyone had any advice or help on loss or infertility issues. Well time went by and I forgot all about it. By August we have had seen two different doctors, had many tests done, and everything came back fine and normal. After the HSG test results came back we were shrugging our shoulders and throwing our arms up in the air with frustation. That same week only a few days after did I start recieving mail, phone calls, cards from ladies from all over the nation. Some weren't even Amish. God knew when I needed encouragement just at that time. I have become pen-pals with some of these ladies. I have made great friends. A lot of the Ladies who are writing me having a hard time with their loss and/or infertility. I now know that God hasn't just called me to minister and encourage the ladies at HOPE and my community but; He is already sending me ladies that need my help and I theirs. A lot has happened since January and even August. I am so excited with what God is doing.


One thing that an midwife suggested to me was a natural progrestrone cream. I've been on it a month and my cycle came right on time without any other herbs or prescribitions. If any thing else, at least I'll have a normal cycle and not be so emotional.