People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One.

I need to vent, so please bear with me yet I guess at the same time if I offend you, you can just delete me, I'll be okay with it. We've have being dealing with this for YEARS and sometimes it doesn't get any easier and sometimes it seems to get harder!

I understand people ask questions curiously on if you have children or not. I don't mind curious questions, it is part of our culture and really it has innocent intentions most of the time. But if they say no, don't give them 20 questions especially on this week of Mother's Day it is probably hard enough for them. Things I have heard this week, most I have heard all before.

People make statements and ask questions without thinking ahead.
How long have y'all been married?!! 13 years and no kids! *Gasp* say Why  not?!! Don't you know what causes kids?!! Don't y'all like sex?!!  What's wrong with you... your husband?!!! What did you do wrong?!! Don't you want children?!! Be careful about adoption, many kids turn out to be bad seeds and turn on you and cost you a fortune! If I couldn't have kids I would never adopt. I hope you really think about all this before you do this. Oh you don't want kids anyways, their whiny, mess a lot, eat a lot and are very expensive!

It is difficult for a woman who has lost children to know what to say when someone asks her, "oh do you have children?" When you say no, or in heaven, they replied, "oh I WAS going to tell you Happy Mother's Day" then walk off. Just say Happy Mother's Day and smile! :) Someone told me I am not a mom because I miscarried and didn't carry to term. Don't you dare say I am not a mom because I have not held them! Don't tell me at least you didn't carry to full term... at least you did not have a still birth. You know what I would give to hold my babies?!! You know what I would have given to hold them, to say hello before you have to say goodbye?!! You know what I would give to have a child, biological or adoptive?!!! Every dollar!! Every sleepless night! (I have those already.) Those children would be OURS no matter what! So, when you tell me that you wouldn't accept my child if we adopt well you can just disown me and De-friend me now! I am so sick of the non-compassionate, hurtful and totally uncalled for advice that people give without even thinking of me, my husband and our future kids. I should of done this a long time ago. If you don't like it, well you don't have to, but doesn't mean I will be stick around to listen to it.

Mother's Day is always hard for me; I miss our little ones! Why is it that when it's the hardest week of the year is here that I feel I the need to not come out of my house in fear of the heartless things people will say. Please remember the words you say have impact on others even if you have good intentions. It may not be a sensitive subject to you but it might be to them especially on Mother's Day.

Lord, help me know how to react to those who say such hurtful things. Help me to forgive people when I get offended. Help those who don't know what to say or how to say it. Help me to take a stand for what is right and react in kindness and love. Bless those who don't know better, help them to get a clue.

I don't know if I can say that God will give me a baby though I am studying on infertility in the Bible and each woman that I have found in the Bible that was barren - God closed her womb, He reopened to have her carry a special child. Sarah - Isaac, Hannah - Samuel, Rachel - Joseph, Elizabeth - John... I do believe that God does give us the desires of our heart, though a lot of the time He changes our heart to His desires. I am trusting His character because I can trust His word, I can trust His word because I can trust His character. My worship of Him is in not in what He can do for me but in who He is. He does not need to give me anything and He is still worthy of my worship. I am so grateful that when people say and do hurtful things I have someone to turn to. People's hurtful words and actions lead me to the Helpful One. Thank you LORD!

SHALOM.....

Shalom means peace in hebrew. Shalom is just what God has given me. After our last miscarriage in September I grieved and mourned heavily for 3 days. But through those long 3 days and even after the many hard days that have come God has given me just that, Peace. I have such Peace that God has given me through God's word.

When King David lost his first son with Bathsheba the servants asked him why he wasn't mourning and grieving like he did before the baby died. He replied, "Now he (the baby) has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." - 2 Samuel 12:23

My babies will never return to me on this earth, but I will go to them.

I've been praying for the name that God wants me to give this little one. The Peace He has given me is beyond understanding. Just trusting God and His plan for me. The name God has given me is Shalom Marie. Shalom meaning Peace and Marie after Grandma Donna and Charice. After two people I adore.

Shalom, I miss you and love you. Mama adores you and so excited that I someday I will be there with you. I will hold you and adore you. Till then know I think of you often. Can't wait to hear you sing to me, call me Mama and play games in the grass. Love you forever and I will remember you always, Love your Mama.

God doesn't call the qualified but qualifes the called.

God doesn't call the qualified but qualifes the called. Thank God! Because I was getting a little lost. ; ) I feel that God has something coming. All I can say is please Lord prepare me! Change me into the person I need to be... the person you want me to be. : ) That's all I have today!! Short sweet and good word from what God is doing with me. Telling me to get off my duff and get READY!!! Okay God I'm READY, LET's GO!!!

Last night I lost another baby...

For the last week I've been spotting, having a little cramping but not much that I've been too alarmed and out of the norm. I went a little over two months without a period but that's more than normal. This past week I thought was just an over due of a period and so it has been heavy. Last night I went to the rest room and their it was a bloody sack. I even examined it to make sure. I could even see the umblical cord. My heartaches yet again. Number 6 now. I feel useless as a wife that I can't even get passed the third month of pregnancy. At the same time I feel hope because I haven't been pregnant in over 7 years.

Lord, I don't know what you are doing here but, please help me. Help me trust in you. I couldn't stop crying. I cleaned the bathroom and my clothes like mad. Blood was every where. Aaron came home and I just fell into his arms and cried. He kept asking me what's wrong but I was crying so hard I couldn't answer. I finally told him I haven't been on my period I was having a miscarriage. With that I felt so weak he put me to bed and held me as I cried myself to sleep. I as I prayed and felt I could pray no longer I asked him to pray. He prayed the most beautiful prayer for peace for us, for us to trust in God's plan and for our baby. With ending I felt so overwhelming peace that I finally was able to sleep.

This morning I don't want to move. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep it all away. But I decided that I need to write this all down and lay it at the feet of Jesus.

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful husband help him know what to say and do at this difficult time. I know that it is difficult for a man to know what it is like to go through this. Please help me be patient and trust in your plan.

i will trust in YOU!!

i didn't not capitalize the "i" for a reason today. To help me remember how small i am. The world is always trying to get us to think that we are BIG; ourselves as inviduals to think we are bigger than we truly are. i remember as a teenager wanting everyone to think i was beautiful. The magazines and media show women and girls that happiness comes in society acceptance. Not that it isn't nice when soome one says we are beautiful but, it became an obession. i began to think that i had to have this and have that to be beautiful, to be someone special. i thought that i had to be a certain size, certain weight, certain clothes... It began to be an overwhelming obession. i soon started to have a eating disorder. Thinking i had control over my wieght but, truly the obession had control over me. i thought i had to be thin to be BIG in others eyes.

But now I see that this issue of the BIG "I" involves every issue of my life. i think i can handle it all. i don't want anyone else help. i need want to be the one that is in control. Though the Lord is been working and come a long way with me. i see in the last few months that God is working on me to see the HE is the BIG ONE not me. That HE can handle it all if "i" let HIM. HE wants to help me; will i ask for HIS help? HE is the one that is control, we i give it all to HIM? So, last night the LORD was working on me telling me HIS had plans for me. Will i listen, obey and follow? I wrestle with trust. Wondering if HE can do anything with my circumstances. When someone tells me there problems some are small others are manger BIG. i tell them they can trust in HIM. But, do I trust Him?

Now here is the question for us: do we see us as a BIG "I" or a little "i". Because if we see ourselves as a BIG "I" then we can not prosper. We get overwhelmed with our BIG ego. He wants us to be humbly bow and worship HIM. i see now that GOD is trying to show me HE is the BIG one and am small. little. tiny. And yet though i am so tiny God loves me not because who i am or what i've done but, because HE me. Not for who i am or what i've done but, for who HE is and what HE has done. Because He is so mighty so great so amazing i will bow down, worship Him and trust in His plan for me. Whether it be here or where ever you've put me. Whether we have children or not. Whether my dreams and plans ever come true. i will trust in YOU!!!!

- Psalm 9:10 "And they that know YOUR name will put their trust in you: for YOU, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek YOU."

Hearing vs Listening

I've been sick for the last few days. I went to the doctor today to see if I had strep throat. My nephew found out Friday that he had it. So I thought better safe than sorry. Thank God that the test came back negative. So nope, no strep throat! YEAH!!! Yesterday,I was feeling pretty icky. And after staying home, stuck inside for three days wanting get out but, not go to far (okay I live out in the boom docks, 30 min. from town). So I went to the mail box. LOL!! Praise the Lord! I got Mail!!! Not just bills and junk mail. I got mail from my friends. I love getting mail. It's like Christmas everyday. One of my friends sent me a card and wrote down some scripture verses. What a blessing it was to me! Some may say it was just mere coincidences. But I believe it's totally a God thing. He knows what I need even before I need it. God knew I need encouragement. This reminded me of a scripture in Psalms 120:1 "In my distress I cried unto the LORD, and he heard me." I know that HE hears my cries... of discouragement... of pain... of hunger... of being weary... being lonely... of being sick and tired of being sick and tired...
The greatest thing I think that is about God's Word here is that HE HEARS. I don't know about your grandmother but, my grandmother was and is one of the wisest women I know. Though I didn't always understand what she was trying to say. When I was a child she would say to me, "you're not hearing me, child". I would reply, "Yes, Ma'am. I am listening". "No, hon. You may be listening but you ain't hearing me". I always thought she was just talking southern. LOL! But really she was telling me that I wasn't hearing her. I was listening to the words coming out of her mouth and they were going right out the other side. God doesn't just listen to our aches, pains, heartaches... HE HEARS. He feels our pain, aches, heartaches with us. After this I realized that He was hearing me. I knew this before but, some lessons you have to just learn again. But that is the same way that we should HEAR GOD. Are we just listening to HIM and HIS WORD? Letting it all go in one ear and out the other or are we really HEARING what GOD has to say? He knows the things you are struggling with. The loss of your child, no children, negative test again, everyone pregnant around you, bills unpaid, laid-off, sick again, family fights... He knows it all, He hears it all. The next scripture that comes to mind is "Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
I think that will be for the next entry. God's Peace.

When everything seems like it is falling apart...

I don't know about you and your struggles but, I know that there are times when I question God's timing and plan. Have you ever wondered, what God is doing? Nothing seems to be going right? Nothing is going as planned? I just had my 30th birthday and I was pretty depressed about it. I know it may sound silly to some but, I feel old. Not that 30 is old. But, my plan was for us to have a house full of kids, teaching them to read, tie their shoes, how to ride a bike, drive a car... Our oldest would be 13 next year. My sister has 5 kids and my little brother has 1 and 1 on the way. Of course my plan isn't going as planned. It's so easy to feel frustrated, throw your hands up in the air and question God's motive, timing, plan... Nothing seems to be working, going your way, or even making sense... I know those feelings. I was talking to a close friend of mine and she told me; "When everything seems like it is falling apart, nothing happening, not making sense... That is when God is doing His biggest work. His ways are not our ways".

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Now when I get frustrated I tell myself this scripture and remind my self I am not on my time- I'm on God's. This isn't my life, It's HIS. Because I gave my life to Him 6 years ago when I accepted Him as my LORD and Savior. I still want children, I still pray for children. But more than that I want God's will, plan for my life not mine. He knows best. I need to trust Him with my life and His plan. So when nothing is going right, making sense, falling apart... Know GOD is WORKING out His BIGGEST and BEST plan for you. Just as He did for Joseph in the Bible. He's brothers wanted to kill him, instead they sold him as a slave, he was imprisoned for something he didn't do, to put Him at the top of Egypt right under the Pharoah planning to save his family and country from straving. (Gen. CH.37-50) All of this was in God's plan for Joseph and HE used it for Joseph's good and HIS glory. He will do the same for you if you love Him. Romans 10:10-12

God is the supplier even if we don't know what's going on.

I have to back up all the way to last January...
Last January I got a women's magazine called Keepers at Home; which is a Amish magazine. I don't remember signing up for it and I did not know anyone Amish. I always thought that the Amish were interesting and I have read a couple of books about them so I was interested in what they had to say. Inside was an article on miscarriage and infertility. It was a very good article and I decided to write in to see if anyone had any advice or help on loss or infertility issues. Well time went by and I forgot all about it. By August we have had seen two different doctors, had many tests done, and everything came back fine and normal. After the HSG test results came back we were shrugging our shoulders and throwing our arms up in the air with frustation. That same week only a few days after did I start recieving mail, phone calls, cards from ladies from all over the nation. Some weren't even Amish. God knew when I needed encouragement just at that time. I have become pen-pals with some of these ladies. I have made great friends. A lot of the Ladies who are writing me having a hard time with their loss and/or infertility. I now know that God hasn't just called me to minister and encourage the ladies at HOPE and my community but; He is already sending me ladies that need my help and I theirs. A lot has happened since January and even August. I am so excited with what God is doing.


One thing that an midwife suggested to me was a natural progrestrone cream. I've been on it a month and my cycle came right on time without any other herbs or prescribitions. If any thing else, at least I'll have a normal cycle and not be so emotional.

FEAR NOT

The message today at church was FEAR NOT. David didn't fear the giant Goliath because he was on God's side. Just like David, if we know God we have nothing to worry. If God has called us to do something then we are to do it. God will equip us just as He did to David. He gave David all he needed. Am I going to keep fighting God and His plan for me just because I don't feel equipped? God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the ones He calls. I will start tomorrow. God I will not back down. Give me the strength, courage, and wisdom. You will equip me with everything I need. You are my provider! I SERVE AN AWESOME GOD! MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN MY FEARS OF NOT BEING ENOUGH!

God Answers Prayers!!!

Tonight I got my answer to my prayers. I've been praying if I am ready to do this Bible Study, am I 'able' to lead these women? At fellowship tonight we were praying for a little boy (3 years old) who drowned today and Mindy asked us to pray for a family from her work who just lost a baby by miscarriage. Pastor Ronnie asked who wanted to pray for this family and everyone was silent. God told me to pray, I told him; "I won't even get through the first three words." "I am sufficient",He said. So I prayed. I cried but, got through to the prayer. As soon as I finished the prayer, God said, "I will give you strength and provide for you". I said, "OK Lord, I'm ready." I have been praying for a vision from God. It always blows my mind when God delivers! GOD IS AMAZING!!! Praise to God!