Do I want God more than anything? Do I want God more than relationship with my family and friends? Do I want God more than to be liked? Do I want God more than my dreams? Do I want God more than having children? This has been the question in the last couple of weeks. I have said "yes", "I think so", "mmmm... that's a hard one", "I would love you more if You gave me children".
Today I was craving the cookies my mother-in-law made. Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, my favorite. (Well almost love anything that is chocolate,except chocolate bugs). But after eating two small cookies (Yes, they were small. I am not lieing); I craved pickles. I ate three small dill pickles. My mother-in-law laughed at me. I said they sound good dipped in peanut butter and chocolate. She said, mmmm... sounds like you're pregnant. (hopeful and wishful almost as much as I am). I was nauseaded this morning and yesterday. Is my body sick, just wishing it was pregnant, or could it really be after so many years of waiting, wishing, and praying. I began to count the days of my cycle. Last cycle was really short and light. No, it's been over 6 1/2 years since I lost our last baby and haven't been pregnant since. I began to think now don't get your hopes all up to see them crash. But with that said, "My God is Awesome. If He wants us to have a baby, He'll make it happen. And if He doesn't are you going to love Him any less?" I can honestly say no, I wouldn't. My God is God no matter if I never have children. My God is a good God no matter if we never have a child in our home. He is the reason I am alive today and He is the reason I want to live for Him. A child or no child. Yes, my heart aches for a house full of children. But, my heart aches for GOD to fill and overflow my heart more. I don't want anything without His blessing. If a bare womb and a bare home is His plan for me I will follow Him. LORD, You are my LORD and Savior. I need no other except you. I did get a pregnancy test tonight and I am going to go take it since everyone is asleep. If it is positive I will SCREAM praises to you and if it is negative I will praise you anyways. I love you, LORD!
Hi Kym, I can so relate to this. I had 1 miscarriage, then 2 live births, then 3 miscarriages again. I cried & cried, I begged & pleaded with the Lord, we had tests, surgeries & took medications. A friend told me at the time of my second miscarriage that it was harder to raise children than it was to have them. I laughed bitterly & said, "Ya, right." Well, I can see the Lord's wisdom in only providing me/us with 2 children.
ReplyDeleteSo many times I have made Christ the center of my life only to be lulled away & come to with a start & realize I need to dedicate myself to the Lord again.
Peace be with you, & may your dearest wishes come true.
Rayni from Get Better KSR Kingworth