Today is the Anniversary of our Memorial for our Children

I woke up at 3am., can't sleep tonight, so I felt it was time to write. Today is the anniversary of our memorial for our children. Yesterday I went to town with my cousins, Ivy and Grace, and got some baby things to give away. It was hard to see the little clothes and pick things out for someone else's baby when my babies are gone. Though I know that giving is what heals the soul. When you give love even though you hurt, it is healing affect where though you hurt you remembering in honor not just in pain. As I see how different cultures treat infertility and miscarriage differently. But to the same effect I still feel empty and put away. I think that people don't know what to say so they say nothing at all. I feel people think this is all my fault and that if I did this or that, that I could and would have a baby or be happy. I wish that I could be a mouth for those who have lost and suffer that people may realize what a struggle and heartache we suffer and we feel like we suffer it all alone. The feeling that I never got to hold my little ones, and that my biggest dream may never ever come true is horrifying for me. My stomach drops and my heart aches a little more each time. Like someone is taking my heart and beating it with a hammer. Writing soothes my soul. Just writing their names, helps me remember that they are with God happy and content till the Lord brings me home.

Steven Austin 6/1996 -- 16

Mary Dawn 1/1998 -- 14
Patrick Issac 3/2000 -- 12
Chasen James 4/2001 -- 11
Mercy Leigh 1/2002 -- 10
Shalom Marie 9/2009 -- 2

Oh how I miss you though I never met you. Know that your mama loves you, thinks of you and is looking forward to seeing you when Abba brings me home.

Tonight I felt overwhelming with grief until I wrote and lifted my troubles up to God. Thank Lord, for giving me such peace, comfort and even joy. Lord, I ask you to bless me today, that when the road gets dark and deary and all hope seems lost that you will send me more comfort, peace, and love that is beyond understanding. :)

The Smell of the Rain

As I walk up the dusty trail before me
and I see my footprints follow me

as my dirty, murky past leaves a
long trail of deep imprints.

As I close my eyes I wish that I would
have never made those steps,

feeling the despair
and guilt that is stuck on me,

sorrowful I plead to God to forgive me.

As I ask these words

I can feel the tall green pines
and spruces begin to dance
in the breeze with joy.

The flowers are dancing along
with the trees to the
spring birds a singing,

the tall meadow grass
raising and waving like it’s their
arms in praise of God.

I feel the rain begin to pour over me,

cleanse me from the inside out,

dripping in the rain I care not

as I look behind me my path is swiped clean.

No more deep imprints but the
path made smooth and clean.

I twirl in awe and enjoyment of their song.

I love the smell and the feeling of the rain,

God’s tears of joy coming down over me.

Oh how great it is when a believer dies!

   Oh how great it is when a believer dies!

   Some will say, WHAT??!!! How can it be great to lose someone you love?!!!

   After the loss of my friend Grandma Donna, it has gotten me thinking. She is so dear to me. It's  so hard to loss someone we love. Though we mourn and grieve for our loss of dear ones!! We miss them!! Though we should be rejoicing when a believer receives their call home to with the LORD!! We are not sad for them but rather over us missing them until we join them in Heaven.

   "He will swallow up death in victory, and the Lord GOD will wipe away all tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall He take away from off all the earth: for the LORD has spoken it. And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for Him, and He will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for Him, we will be glad and rejopice in His salvation." - Isaiah 25:8-9

   Thinking about death of others you soon begin to think about your own. So I have decided to write up a will/testament letting my loved ones know what I want when I pass on. I don't want a funeral! NO people wearing black, being solemn... I want a Death Celebration!! I want a party!! I ban black, want to people to sing worship and my favorite songs!! I don't want people to be sad for me ever but, happy I am no longer in this fallen world but with my LORD GOD, my best friend who I adore. I am seeing my Granma Mary I miss you!!, my Grand Father who I never met, my Great-Grandma Cake who my Dad says I play piano like ( I want to play duet with her some day) and Granpa Bryan, my friend Steve, and my babies I can't wait to hold! OH THE JOY!!!

"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you, I will praise your name; for you have done wonderful things; your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth." -Isaiah 25:1 

Having a bad day? God knows...

Having a bad day? God knows... He knows your circumstances better than we do; He knows you better than we know ourselves. God is there each step of the way.

One morning I was having a bad mornin', so bad I was in tears. I made myself some coffee and I look down to take a drink and it was smiling at me. hahahahahaha!!! God has such a good sense of humor. :) I just had to take a picture. :)

It was like He was smiling at me; sending me joy and knowing that all will be okay. Psalm 30:5

God cares; and send us Joy through out our trials and no matter our circumstances.

Celebrating LIFE!!!

For a long time now... I have been mourning and grieving for my little ones, our dreams to have a family... It has been my greatest battle in my life. It seems that lately everyone is having babies, pregnant or little ones running around at the ages our little ones would be. Costant reminders that my arms are empty and that my dreams may never come true. But today I have victory! Victory in this not because my circumstances have changed but because Jesus has changed my heart. I can have JOY no matter my circumstances. I wroke this morning ready for this new day that God has given me. He has given me a new outlook on this life! Everything is a blessing! Air to breathe, eyes to open in the morning, lips to sing praises to His name, ears to hear the music, hands to hold, feet to move. So blessed! More than I will ever know! I am Celebrating not just my Life but the Life of others; loved ones, family, friends, and people I don't even know... Celebating the life of my lil' ones that I will one day get to hold them, touch them, sing to them... but more than that I Celebrating LIFE of JESUS! Because Jesus lived a sinless life, died the death that I/we deserve, and rose again and went to prepare us a place! LIFE is not merely this life but ETERNAL LIFE!!! That you God for what you did for me as if I might be the only be the only one! Thank you for opening my eyes, and changing my heart! You are AMAZING GOD! Thank you for the joy that comes with the morning! Psalm 30:5.

Our Memorial

Our Memorial for our five children was beautiful! I was praying to God these last couple of days before. I told God that I would have no expectations. Lord, you blew me out of the water!!! It was so wonderful! The flowers came out wonderfully, the music was awesome, and Pastor Ronnie's comforting words came straight from you. Thank you for overflowing our cup LORD!!! I bawled and bawled my eyes out. Almost all of our family came. Blessing after blessing you have given us. Ron, Shelly, Reesie and Cassie came even though they had a wedding to go to. Thank you for coming. It meant so much to me. Candice and Flint came; Praise God for your little one on the way. Crystal and her little Evie came. Crystal, your little one is with Jesus playing with my little one. Brandy, Josh, JD, Tyson, and Piper; JD you really blessed us when you came and sat down on Aaron's lap. Pastor Kris; thank you for all your encouraging words. Miss Judy; Thank you for all your support and prayers. It meant so much that you would come. Wayne and Lisa; thank you for being the dear brother and sister in Christ. Thank you for the flowers, what a sweet gesture. Daniel; thank you for your prayers and sweet words of comfort. Ammon, Trina; always remember our littles ones are playing together with Jesus. My brother Clayton, Bree and Cohen; thank you for being supportive. My sis, Susie and little Sarah; God bless you for making this day a piority. Papa Ken, Mom, and Grandma Victoria; thank you for all your support and help with my memorial folder, flowers, and baby feet and rings. They will always be precious and a reminder right next to my cross that our babies are with Jesus. Mama and Daddy; it meant so much that ya'll came. Thank you for all your support, help with the memorial folder, and luncheon. Thank you Ronnie and Dawn for all that you do. for your prayers and encouragement and shoulder for me to cry on. Much Appreciated to all. We love you!! God over flowed our cup! Blessing to those He uses!!!