Loss is Loss.

Loss is loss. No matter how far along you were, whether you held your baby, whether you saw your child in an ultrasound, heard the heart beat, got a positive test or even if you didn’t even know you even pregnant. No loss is greater than another. Many people have said to me, “Well at least you didn’t carry to full-term then lose the baby.” Or “At least you didn’t hold it and have to give to back”; like it was less of a baby - your child. Oh what I would of gave to hold my children, to see their faces, say hello before saying goodbye. Even though I never knew I was pregnant until I miscarried I grieve each and every one of my children. I am a mother even though my children aren’t here with me. A child doesn’t become a child at birth. A child becomes a child at conception. I am proud to say I am a mother of five children who all with God. No I never saw one of my children, I never saw one positive test, never an ultrasound, or heard a heart beat. I knew loss even before I even knew you were there. But I am a mother even though I had none of that because you were here even though I never knew you.

I am here not to say look at me look at me. I am here to say there is healing. There is hope, there is peace. And that peace comes from Jesus. That peace comes from giving my burdens to Him. That peace comes from laying down my dreams at His feet and trusting in Him.

I use to think if I give up my control to Him I will be out of control. That was so very wrong. When I gave up control to Him, I feel more in control than I have ever been. Does everything go my way? No. Does all the hurt and pain go away? No. But I am no longer standing alone. He is standing with me for every moment and every hurt, crying with me. Holding my tears in a bottle. Thank you Jesus for what you have done. I couldn’t do it without You. Remember you don’t have to either.

God Answers Prayers!!!

Tonight I got my answer to my prayers. I've been praying if I am ready to do this Bible Study, am I 'able' to lead these women? At fellowship tonight we were praying for a little boy (3 years old) who drowned today and Mindy asked us to pray for a family from her work who just lost a baby by miscarriage. Pastor Ronnie asked who wanted to pray for this family and everyone was silent. God told me to pray, I told him; "I won't even get through the first three words." "I am sufficient",He said. So I prayed. I cried but, got through to the prayer. As soon as I finished the prayer, God said, "I will give you strength and provide for you". I said, "OK Lord, I'm ready." I have been praying for a vision from God. It always blows my mind when God delivers! GOD IS AMAZING!!! Praise to God!

IDEAS flying through my head!!

Well I've been praying for months now on what God wants me to be doing. I know he just doesn't want me to sit on a bump on a log. So now that my bible study is over, we had our children's memorial, and God has given me peace. I'm ready to go.

I still am having a hard time hearing him. Now I am questioning: Am I hearing what I want to hear or am I hearing what He is saying to me? Our my ideas from Him or me? How can I differentiate which one it is?

So, I decided that I'm going to go where I am needed and where my heart is. (HOPE Pregnancy Care Center & worship on Wednesdays') Now I feel that He is telling me what He wants me to do. Maybe He just wanted me to stand up? I feel so good beyond what I can say. I'm excited about the plans God has for me. I know they are going to be AWESOME!! Please pray that I will hear His plan and not my own.

What do you want me to do now LORD?

What do you want me to do now LORD? Pastor Ronnie's sermon today was on what does the LORD want us to do? Are we on the LORD's team? Well,I'm ready LORD. I am ready for what ever you want me to do. I'm ready to go where you want me to go and I am ready to say what you want me to say. Since we had are Memorial I feel ready to go do what God has for me. I feel peace. I feel joy. God has truly blessed us. I am ready, LORD. I'm have been praying for an answer where He wants me. I have ideas but, I want to follow what He wants me to do rather what I want to do. I want to do His agenda, not mine. I'm so excited to get started. So keep me in your prayers and I got to go get busy. God's Peace and Joy be with you.

Our Memorial Folder

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works and that my soul knows right well. - Psalm 139:14

In Loving Memory of...

Steven Austin-
'96- would 12 years old

Mary Dawn-
'98- would be 10 years old

Patrick Issac-
'00- would be 8 years old

Chasen James-
'01- would be 7 years old

Mercy Leigh-
'02- would be 6 years old

Before I formed you in the belly, I knew you... - Jeremiah 1:5



Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. -Isaiah 49:1


Steven Austin-
Steven means crowned & Austin means majestic. I always wanted a son named after my brother Clayton Austin.

Mary Dawn-
I had a dream of Mary Dawn the night I lost her. I knew her face and called her by name. Mary is my mother's name and her mother's name. Dawn is my best friend Kasha's middle name.

Patrick Issac-
I was in California and met a couple with twin boys named, Aidan and Patrick. I knew then I wanted to name him Patrick Issac. Patrick means nobleman and Issac means laughter.

Chasen James-
Chasen came from one of my students named Chase. He told me that his name meant, "Chasen after God". Chasen means hunter. Aaron picked out James which means supplanter.

Mercy Leigh-
God has granted us Mercy and it's a beautiful name that means merciful and compassionate. Leigh means poetic in Irish. Leigh is my aunt Dana's middle name.

You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle... -Psalm 56:8

Love Ya'll!!!

Our Memorial

Our Memorial for our five children was beautiful! I was praying to God these last couple of days before. I told God that I would have no expectations. Lord, you blew me out of the water!!! It was so wonderful! The flowers came out wonderfully, the music was awesome, and Pastor Ronnie's comforting words came straight from you. Thank you for overflowing our cup LORD!!! I bawled and bawled my eyes out. Almost all of our family came. Blessing after blessing you have given us. Ron, Shelly, Reesie and Cassie came even though they had a wedding to go to. Thank you for coming. It meant so much to me. Candice and Flint came; Praise God for your little one on the way. Crystal and her little Evie came. Crystal, your little one is with Jesus playing with my little one. Brandy, Josh, JD, Tyson, and Piper; JD you really blessed us when you came and sat down on Aaron's lap. Pastor Kris; thank you for all your encouraging words. Miss Judy; Thank you for all your support and prayers. It meant so much that you would come. Wayne and Lisa; thank you for being the dear brother and sister in Christ. Thank you for the flowers, what a sweet gesture. Daniel; thank you for your prayers and sweet words of comfort. Ammon, Trina; always remember our littles ones are playing together with Jesus. My brother Clayton, Bree and Cohen; thank you for being supportive. My sis, Susie and little Sarah; God bless you for making this day a piority. Papa Ken, Mom, and Grandma Victoria; thank you for all your support and help with my memorial folder, flowers, and baby feet and rings. They will always be precious and a reminder right next to my cross that our babies are with Jesus. Mama and Daddy; it meant so much that ya'll came. Thank you for all your support, help with the memorial folder, and luncheon. Thank you Ronnie and Dawn for all that you do. for your prayers and encouragement and shoulder for me to cry on. Much Appreciated to all. We love you!! God over flowed our cup! Blessing to those He uses!!!

HELD

This song we are playing at our Memorial. I love it and wanted to share it with you.

HELD by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother
while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should
we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is
torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred
numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to
lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is
torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour
watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is
torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.