When everything seems like it is falling apart...

I don't know about you and your struggles but, I know that there are times when I question God's timing and plan. Have you ever wondered, what God is doing? Nothing seems to be going right? Nothing is going as planned? I just had my 30th birthday and I was pretty depressed about it. I know it may sound silly to some but, I feel old. Not that 30 is old. But, my plan was for us to have a house full of kids, teaching them to read, tie their shoes, how to ride a bike, drive a car... Our oldest would be 13 next year. My sister has 5 kids and my little brother has 1 and 1 on the way. Of course my plan isn't going as planned. It's so easy to feel frustrated, throw your hands up in the air and question God's motive, timing, plan... Nothing seems to be working, going your way, or even making sense... I know those feelings. I was talking to a close friend of mine and she told me; "When everything seems like it is falling apart, nothing happening, not making sense... That is when God is doing His biggest work. His ways are not our ways".

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Now when I get frustrated I tell myself this scripture and remind my self I am not on my time- I'm on God's. This isn't my life, It's HIS. Because I gave my life to Him 6 years ago when I accepted Him as my LORD and Savior. I still want children, I still pray for children. But more than that I want God's will, plan for my life not mine. He knows best. I need to trust Him with my life and His plan. So when nothing is going right, making sense, falling apart... Know GOD is WORKING out His BIGGEST and BEST plan for you. Just as He did for Joseph in the Bible. He's brothers wanted to kill him, instead they sold him as a slave, he was imprisoned for something he didn't do, to put Him at the top of Egypt right under the Pharoah planning to save his family and country from straving. (Gen. CH.37-50) All of this was in God's plan for Joseph and HE used it for Joseph's good and HIS glory. He will do the same for you if you love Him. Romans 10:10-12

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God is the supplier even if we don't know what's going on.

I have to back up all the way to last January...
Last January I got a women's magazine called Keepers at Home; which is a Amish magazine. I don't remember signing up for it and I did not know anyone Amish. I always thought that the Amish were interesting and I have read a couple of books about them so I was interested in what they had to say. Inside was an article on miscarriage and infertility. It was a very good article and I decided to write in to see if anyone had any advice or help on loss or infertility issues. Well time went by and I forgot all about it. By August we have had seen two different doctors, had many tests done, and everything came back fine and normal. After the HSG test results came back we were shrugging our shoulders and throwing our arms up in the air with frustation. That same week only a few days after did I start recieving mail, phone calls, cards from ladies from all over the nation. Some weren't even Amish. God knew when I needed encouragement just at that time. I have become pen-pals with some of these ladies. I have made great friends. A lot of the Ladies who are writing me having a hard time with their loss and/or infertility. I now know that God hasn't just called me to minister and encourage the ladies at HOPE and my community but; He is already sending me ladies that need my help and I theirs. A lot has happened since January and even August. I am so excited with what God is doing.


One thing that an midwife suggested to me was a natural progrestrone cream. I've been on it a month and my cycle came right on time without any other herbs or prescribitions. If any thing else, at least I'll have a normal cycle and not be so emotional.

Things a Rollin'!!

I went to HOPE Pregnancy Care Center today to see a friend of mine that I use to work with at HOPE PCC to drop off some cds for her. While I was there she met with me about loss group. I am so excited!!! I am way nervous too but, in a comforting way. Does that make any sense? I was so excited I already sent her the changes of the propsal back to her. I can't wait. I am ready for the ball to be rollin'.

I guess God has already started the ball a rollin' in a way. I have tons of ladies talk to me about miscarriages and infetility in the last three months. It was so weird. I will have to tell you that story another time.

But, now that I think about it. I got to get busy. Well I better go get started.

Pray without ceasing!

Pray without ceasing! (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

I read Sarah's Laughter daily devotional on praying. God sometimes I feel that I just want you to tell me children or no children so I can get on with my life. But, tonight I feel that You are calling me to keep praying. Don't give up. Relie on You.
Hannah kept praying and asking for You to give them a child. So I am going to continue to ask. I know that You don't get sick of my requests. Not saying You will give me what I want, a house full of children but, I know that You care for me and my dreams and wants are important to You too. I know that You can open my womb. I pray that You will. Thank you for all that You do.

I will still praise You, LORD!

It was negative test, again. Yes, I am bummed. But, I'm doing good. I am good with Your plan LORD. I am ready to follow. What ever it may be. Let me know what to do and where to go.

Do I want God more than anything?

Do I want God more than anything? Do I want God more than relationship with my family and friends? Do I want God more than to be liked? Do I want God more than my dreams? Do I want God more than having children? This has been the question in the last couple of weeks. I have said "yes", "I think so", "mmmm... that's a hard one", "I would love you more if You gave me children".

Today I was craving the cookies my mother-in-law made. Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, my favorite. (Well almost love anything that is chocolate,except chocolate bugs). But after eating two small cookies (Yes, they were small. I am not lieing); I craved pickles. I ate three small dill pickles. My mother-in-law laughed at me. I said they sound good dipped in peanut butter and chocolate. She said, mmmm... sounds like you're pregnant. (hopeful and wishful almost as much as I am). I was nauseaded this morning and yesterday. Is my body sick, just wishing it was pregnant, or could it really be after so many years of waiting, wishing, and praying. I began to count the days of my cycle. Last cycle was really short and light. No, it's been over 6 1/2 years since I lost our last baby and haven't been pregnant since. I began to think now don't get your hopes all up to see them crash. But with that said, "My God is Awesome. If He wants us to have a baby, He'll make it happen. And if He doesn't are you going to love Him any less?" I can honestly say no, I wouldn't. My God is God no matter if I never have children. My God is a good God no matter if we never have a child in our home. He is the reason I am alive today and He is the reason I want to live for Him. A child or no child. Yes, my heart aches for a house full of children. But, my heart aches for GOD to fill and overflow my heart more. I don't want anything without His blessing. If a bare womb and a bare home is His plan for me I will follow Him. LORD, You are my LORD and Savior. I need no other except you. I did get a pregnancy test tonight and I am going to go take it since everyone is asleep. If it is positive I will SCREAM praises to you and if it is negative I will praise you anyways. I love you, LORD!