In need of wisdom and guidance...

God uses everything for good for those who love Him and for His glory.
" And we know all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

This is the verse I've been thinking about last night and this morning. How does God want to use me through all of this. Help me to know what you want me to do LORD. I need your guidance, your wisdom not my own.

"A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:" -Proverbs 1:5

You are my wise counsel, O LORD. YOU and YOUR Word.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths straight."- Proverbs 3:5-6

I don't understand nor do I think I can understand what is happening inside my body. The doctors' and specialists' after years of and tests can't tell me what is going on. I don't know what is going on in my life. I don't understand nor do I think I ever will. I will not lean on my own or anyone else's thinking and understanding except Your's Lord. I will trust in You and Your word. For You say You are in control - complete control. You created me and the world around me. You know me better than I know my self, you know my circumstances better than I can ever know. Guide me today, tomorrow, forever; through each and every moment.

trusting the ALMIGHTY!!!

There have been moments in the last couple of days where I fall to my knees and sob uncontrollably. There are moments where I feel numb and wanting it to stay that way. There are moments where I don't want to leave my house ever again. There has been times where I don't want to even speak to my best friend or my own family... There are times where I think God has turned his back on me and doesn't care about me.

But my mind has gone to God's Holy Word over and over again tonight. I can not deny His presence around me. Reading the psalm 149 and 150.

"Praise the LORD. Sing unto the LORD a new song, and His praise in the congregation of the saints." -Psalm 149:1

Does God's word, THE BIBLE only say praise God when things go right? Does it say only praise God when He answers your prayers the way you see fit? Does it say only praise when you have children? If they are healthy and without mark? Does it say only to praise God if only your little one still leaps in your womb? Does it say only to praise God if all your family is alive and well? Do we just praise Him when we like our circumstances? Though this is the hardest thing for me to go through in my whole life. I must say that my God is a good God no matter my circumstances. This reminds me of the story of Job. Was Job only to worship when he had it all? Was Job to worship only when he had his family beside him? After a servant came back to tell him he was the only survivor. That a great wind (maybe a tornado) and smote the four corners of the house and it fell upon his daughters and sons.

"Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped." - Psalm 1:20

Though I hurt and will still hurt at the loss of our children. Yet, I will still raise my hands in praise to the Living God. I know God is here right beside me no matter my circumstances. He is who He says He is or He is not. I choose to say, believe, stand, and live my life for the one who created this world, created me, bled and died for me.

No I do not understand why once again he took my child away. I probably won't ever understand in this world. But I will trust in You O GOD!! For You are the ALMIGHTY ONE!!

One day I heard a testimony of a man who was for a third world country where he didn't have a pair of shoes until he was 12 years old. Where he learned of Jesus from a piece of paper torn and worn. He accepted Christ and he was shunned, beaten, and tossed out in the cold. He said that if forgiveness of his sins was the only gift that God gave him in this life that was more than enough for him. Is that enough for me? Not that it's bad to be blessed with many others things but, Is God MORE than enough? Is He only God when I have this and that? Is He only God when He answers my prayers as I see fit? Is He only God when things are going right? Is He a loving God even when my womb and arms are empty? I say He is. He is God all the time. Whether we say He is or not. He is the ALMIGHTY!

So my prayer is tonight for God's people to say what Job said, "Naked I came out of my womb, and naked shall I return there: the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away: blessed be the name of the LORD." -JOB 1:21

Blessed be the name of the LORD, blessed your name Jesus, blessed the name of the LORD, blessed be your HOLY name. You give and take away, You give and take away and here I am to stay, Blessed be the name of the LORD, blessed your name Jesus, blessed the name of the LORD, blessed be your HOLY name.

Last night I lost another baby...

For the last week I've been spotting, having a little cramping but not much that I've been too alarmed and out of the norm. I went a little over two months without a period but that's more than normal. This past week I thought was just an over due of a period and so it has been heavy. Last night I went to the rest room and their it was a bloody sack. I even examined it to make sure. I could even see the umblical cord. My heartaches yet again. Number 6 now. I feel useless as a wife that I can't even get passed the third month of pregnancy. At the same time I feel hope because I haven't been pregnant in over 7 years.

Lord, I don't know what you are doing here but, please help me. Help me trust in you. I couldn't stop crying. I cleaned the bathroom and my clothes like mad. Blood was every where. Aaron came home and I just fell into his arms and cried. He kept asking me what's wrong but I was crying so hard I couldn't answer. I finally told him I haven't been on my period I was having a miscarriage. With that I felt so weak he put me to bed and held me as I cried myself to sleep. I as I prayed and felt I could pray no longer I asked him to pray. He prayed the most beautiful prayer for peace for us, for us to trust in God's plan and for our baby. With ending I felt so overwhelming peace that I finally was able to sleep.

This morning I don't want to move. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep it all away. But I decided that I need to write this all down and lay it at the feet of Jesus.

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful husband help him know what to say and do at this difficult time. I know that it is difficult for a man to know what it is like to go through this. Please help me be patient and trust in your plan.

i will trust in YOU!!

i didn't not capitalize the "i" for a reason today. To help me remember how small i am. The world is always trying to get us to think that we are BIG; ourselves as inviduals to think we are bigger than we truly are. i remember as a teenager wanting everyone to think i was beautiful. The magazines and media show women and girls that happiness comes in society acceptance. Not that it isn't nice when soome one says we are beautiful but, it became an obession. i began to think that i had to have this and have that to be beautiful, to be someone special. i thought that i had to be a certain size, certain weight, certain clothes... It began to be an overwhelming obession. i soon started to have a eating disorder. Thinking i had control over my wieght but, truly the obession had control over me. i thought i had to be thin to be BIG in others eyes.

But now I see that this issue of the BIG "I" involves every issue of my life. i think i can handle it all. i don't want anyone else help. i need want to be the one that is in control. Though the Lord is been working and come a long way with me. i see in the last few months that God is working on me to see the HE is the BIG ONE not me. That HE can handle it all if "i" let HIM. HE wants to help me; will i ask for HIS help? HE is the one that is control, we i give it all to HIM? So, last night the LORD was working on me telling me HIS had plans for me. Will i listen, obey and follow? I wrestle with trust. Wondering if HE can do anything with my circumstances. When someone tells me there problems some are small others are manger BIG. i tell them they can trust in HIM. But, do I trust Him?

Now here is the question for us: do we see us as a BIG "I" or a little "i". Because if we see ourselves as a BIG "I" then we can not prosper. We get overwhelmed with our BIG ego. He wants us to be humbly bow and worship HIM. i see now that GOD is trying to show me HE is the BIG one and am small. little. tiny. And yet though i am so tiny God loves me not because who i am or what i've done but, because HE me. Not for who i am or what i've done but, for who HE is and what HE has done. Because He is so mighty so great so amazing i will bow down, worship Him and trust in His plan for me. Whether it be here or where ever you've put me. Whether we have children or not. Whether my dreams and plans ever come true. i will trust in YOU!!!!

- Psalm 9:10 "And they that know YOUR name will put their trust in you: for YOU, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek YOU."

God's Peace...

The other night we went to a family bar-b-que and my little four year old nephew asked Aaron and I if we were having a baby. I said, "No buddy we aren't". He replied, "I know where you can get one." I commented back where would a four year old know where a baby comes from; "Oh yeah, where?" "From Jesus. Pray to Jesus for a baby. He's in heaven you know?" My heart so touched by this little one, "Yes, I know buddy." "Well, now that you know..." as he jumped into the van to get buckled in.

So sweet. Oh how this child touched my heart. This reminded me and I asked myself: did I pray to Jesus today for a child or was I just wishful thinking to myself? Afterwards the drive home I prayed and asked for God's will for us to have a child or not. Reminded me that my LORD Jesus is all sufficent. Sometimes I think we begin to second guess God's plan for us. But, also we forget that God is The Almighty and can do anything. Yes, we've lost 5 children in the womb, I haven't be pregnant in over seven years... Is that to big for God? No, My God is so much bigger, greater, and stronger than any problem I have. Thank you for always being sufficent. You are more than enough. Thank you LORD.

He will bring you out of the pit.

He will bring you out of the pit.
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
-Psalm 40:1-3

I was reading this yesterday for my daily reading and it hit so home with me. He heared my cry. He brought me out of the pit. The pit of sin which leads to Hell. The pit of depression which leads to destruction. He set my feet on the rock and solid foundation of JESUS CHRIST and HIS word the BIBLE. When I follow Him and His Word, the Bible He makes my steps secure. Nothing care knock me over. He gave me a new life, for He made me a new creation. He makes me joyful no matter my circumstances. I will sing praises to Your name, LORD. For You are good all the time and all the time You are good. I will follow You till You bring me home. I pray that when people see me they will see You and know You are GOD, Mighty and Great and they too would put their trust in You. All for Your glory!! Thank You LORD for giving me this good word every day!!!