I woke up at 3am., can't sleep tonight, so I felt it was time to write. Today is the anniversary of our memorial for our children. Yesterday I went to town with my cousins, Ivy and Grace, and got some baby things to give away. It was hard to see the little clothes and pick things out for someone else's baby when my babies are gone. Though I know that giving is what heals the soul. When you give love even though you hurt, it is healing affect where though you hurt you remembering in honor not just in pain. As I see how different cultures treat infertility and miscarriage differently. But to the same effect I still feel empty and put away. I think that people don't know what to say so they say nothing at all. I feel people think this is all my fault and that if I did this or that, that I could and would have a baby or be happy. I wish that I could be a mouth for those who have lost and suffer that people may realize what a struggle and heartache we suffer and we feel like we suffer it all alone. The feeling that I never got to hold my little ones, and that my biggest dream may never ever come true is horrifying for me. My stomach drops and my heart aches a little more each time. Like someone is taking my heart and beating it with a hammer. Writing soothes my soul. Just writing their names, helps me remember that they are with God happy and content till the Lord brings me home.
Steven Austin 6/1996 -- 16
Patrick Issac 3/2000 -- 12
Chasen James 4/2001 -- 11
Mercy Leigh 1/2002 -- 10
Shalom Marie 9/2009 -- 2
Oh how I miss you though I never met you. Know that your mama loves you, thinks of you and is looking forward to seeing you when Abba brings me home.
Tonight I felt overwhelming with grief until I wrote and lifted my troubles up to God. Thank Lord, for giving me such peace, comfort and even joy. Lord, I ask you to bless me today, that when the road gets dark and deary and all hope seems lost that you will send me more comfort, peace, and love that is beyond understanding. :)