Have you ever had one of those moments where you wrestle with God back and forth?

One of my friends a couple of weeks ago called and asked me to  take over her Bible study at the Juvenile Detention Center in our county. I told them I would pray about it but as I begin to pray I already start to doubt even before I ask. Here is pretty much how my conversations went over the week...

Me: "I was like I have never lead a Bible study, I am not a leader."
And God said, "But I am."
Me: "I don't know anyone there."
And God said, "I know everyone; remember I created them".
Me: "What if the kids do not like me?"
And God said, "I didn't call you to be liked, I called for you to preach the gospel".
Me: "I am not qualified."
And God said, "How many times I do I have to say, "I don't call the qualified; I qualify the called" ."
"Ok, Yes Lord, I trust in You and what You are doing."
God, says "don't worry. I know the people better than you, I know the situations and circumstances better than you, and I know you better than you. And yet I still called you to be used by Me."

Each time we wrestle I look back and ask myself why do I do that. God is always gonna win! And Thank You God that you do!! Thank you LORD!! Much appreciated that you would use me anyways!! God is so good!!

Source:
Wrestling with God picture:
http://www.holyboastnetwork.com/profiles/blogs/wrestling-with-god

God's timing is perfect!

My sister Malissa asked me to download her pictures off her old computer that crashed that she was able to turn on last night. While watching a movie with a woman who faced infertility, I bawled and bawled. I couldn't stop crying. It was so amazing how God knows exactly what we need when we need it. He had it all planned before I even started the movie. I didn't know that one of the characters lost 3 babies and faced infertility, but God did. God's timing is perfect! Then I found a picture of my memorial flowers, so excited since my pictures were lost when last computer crashed. It's amazing how one small picture could come at the time when I needed it so much. God's timing was so perfect. Thank you Lord for sending that picture to me. Thank you for reminding that my babies
are happily with you. You always know the perfect times to remind me.
YOU are AMAZING!!!!

http://180movie.com/

Watched this short documentary and was even more changed. If you have thought you valued life before, it really makes you think all your thoughts through, not just by making one step comments. Would love to hear what you think.

Know that GOD has plans!

         Lately I have been struggling with plans for my future, school, house, work, family... Then I hear "you ain't going anywhere", "you cannot do anything", "look at this mess"... Negative Negative... Beat up Beat up... It is so hard sometimes to tell Satan to get up and get out. You get stuck in a rut and second guess yourself and most of all second guess God. My week did a 180 this week when I was struggling with a lot of things, I went to our women's meeting at church and asked for prayer. I felt weights being lifted off my shoulders. That night felt peace beyond understanding. 


         The next morning I woke up at 3 am excited for my new day, I made my self go back to sleep and woke again at 4am. I finally decided to get up and get ready to go to Vegas with a very good friend of mine Tracie. Once in a while I go to Vegas with her to volunteer at the women's shelter in the soup kitchen for lunch, then at off to First Choices, crisis pregnancy center in down town Vegas. I worked in the office, going paperwork and putting adoption packets together. As I sat in the back putting the adoption packets together, God pressed it on my heart that I was there to do just that pray and praise.  I sang praise songs and prayed for the full-overflowing waiting room.  Amazing things happened that day! Not just in the lives of the ladies there but also in my own life and heart. 


God sometimes has to remind us over and over the truths of His Word. 


"¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’" -Jeremiah 29:11-15

On our way home listening to Christian radio station we heard a pastor share, "When satan throws your past in your face remind him of his future"! 


I knew God was reminding me who has my future in His hands. Thank you Lord for being faithful to me always. 

New Creation

Before we all come to Christ we are all wretches - worms with no hope. Jesus is the one who brings hope that changes our hearts and takes a worm that can never change and makes a new creation. Because of His change, His guidance, His mercy, grace and love that worm turns into a beautiful butterfly. God will never leave you nor forsake you just like the butterfly can never return to be a worm. Thank you God for saving me from my self, giving me a new heart, and making me a new creation. Thank that you will never give up on me and never leaving me. 

                                             God never calls you by your shame; He always calls by your name. 

Today is the Anniversary of our Memorial for our Children

I woke up at 3am., can't sleep tonight, so I felt it was time to write. Today is the anniversary of our memorial for our children. Yesterday I went to town with my cousins, Ivy and Grace, and got some baby things to give away. It was hard to see the little clothes and pick things out for someone else's baby when my babies are gone. Though I know that giving is what heals the soul. When you give love even though you hurt, it is healing affect where though you hurt you remembering in honor not just in pain. As I see how different cultures treat infertility and miscarriage differently. But to the same effect I still feel empty and put away. I think that people don't know what to say so they say nothing at all. I feel people think this is all my fault and that if I did this or that, that I could and would have a baby or be happy. I wish that I could be a mouth for those who have lost and suffer that people may realize what a struggle and heartache we suffer and we feel like we suffer it all alone. The feeling that I never got to hold my little ones, and that my biggest dream may never ever come true is horrifying for me. My stomach drops and my heart aches a little more each time. Like someone is taking my heart and beating it with a hammer. Writing soothes my soul. Just writing their names, helps me remember that they are with God happy and content till the Lord brings me home.

Steven Austin 6/1996 -- 16

Mary Dawn 1/1998 -- 14
Patrick Issac 3/2000 -- 12
Chasen James 4/2001 -- 11
Mercy Leigh 1/2002 -- 10
Shalom Marie 9/2009 -- 2

Oh how I miss you though I never met you. Know that your mama loves you, thinks of you and is looking forward to seeing you when Abba brings me home.

Tonight I felt overwhelming with grief until I wrote and lifted my troubles up to God. Thank Lord, for giving me such peace, comfort and even joy. Lord, I ask you to bless me today, that when the road gets dark and deary and all hope seems lost that you will send me more comfort, peace, and love that is beyond understanding. :)

The Love of a Father...

My Little Daddy

He is the biggest man I know

with the biggest heart and

a wonderful laugh I love to hear full of gusto.

He is firm but sweet

though there has been tough times

I have never seen him have defeat.

He is always striving to do his best

Always striving to pass the test.

I hate to disappoint him to see it in his face.

Praying that will never again be the case.

I want to honor my father

Never wanting to be a bother

Want to make him proud

To wear a smile and say 

That is my daughter.

May one day you know how much 

I am glad that you are my Dad!

For you have shown me the love of a father

so I could understand
and seek the love of ABBA GOD! 

by Kym Carter 1/10/2011

It has been said, "No matter who you are you may not be everything to everyone but you are everything to someone". Show them the love of God that they may understand and seek the Love of our ABBA GOD!! For there is no Greater Love than HIS!!