Loss is loss. No matter how far along you were, whether you held your baby, whether you saw your child in an ultrasound, heard the heart beat, got a positive test or even if you didn’t even know you even pregnant. No loss is greater than another. Many people have said to me, “Well at least you didn’t carry to full-term then lose the baby.” Or “At least you didn’t hold it and have to give to back”; like it was less of a baby - your child. Oh what I would of gave to hold my children, to see their faces, say hello before saying goodbye. Even though I never knew I was pregnant until I miscarried I grieve each and every one of my children. I am a mother even though my children aren’t here with me. A child doesn’t become a child at birth. A child becomes a child at conception. I am proud to say I am a mother of five children who all with God. No I never saw one of my children, I never saw one positive test, never an ultrasound, or heard a heart beat. I knew loss even before I even knew you were there. But I am a mother even though I had none of that because you were here even though I never knew you.
I am here not to say look at me look at me. I am here to say there is healing. There is hope, there is peace. And that peace comes from Jesus. That peace comes from giving my burdens to Him. That peace comes from laying down my dreams at His feet and trusting in Him.
I use to think if I give up my control to Him I will be out of control. That was so very wrong. When I gave up control to Him, I feel more in control than I have ever been. Does everything go my way? No. Does all the hurt and pain go away? No. But I am no longer standing alone. He is standing with me for every moment and every hurt, crying with me. Holding my tears in a bottle. Thank you Jesus for what you have done. I couldn’t do it without You. Remember you don’t have to either.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Tonight I got my answer to my prayers. I've been praying if I am ready to do this Bible Study, am I 'able' to lead these women? At fellowship tonight we were praying for a little boy (3 years old) who drowned today and Mindy asked us to pray for a family from her work who just lost a baby by miscarriage. Pastor Ronnie asked who wanted to pray for this family and everyone was silent. God told me to pray, I told him; "I won't even get through the first three words." "I am sufficient",He said. So I prayed. I cried but, got through to the prayer. As soon as I finished the prayer, God said, "I will give you strength and provide for you". I said, "OK Lord, I'm ready." I have been praying for a vision from God. It always blows my mind when God delivers! GOD IS AMAZING!!! Praise to God!